i'm signing you up for texting rehab
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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