i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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