Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
