he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
