My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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