We're like a lot better than the average bears
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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