Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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