Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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