i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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