just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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