I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
