i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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