Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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