I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
