we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
