I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
