is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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