It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
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Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
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Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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