I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
30+ People Share Their Worst ‘Intimate Experience’ And They’re Traumatizing
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Sext me about skeletons
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.