thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer