SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...