I think I am morally bankrupt
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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