i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
