Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
