You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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