Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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