So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
