I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
