put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
When did angry sex become our thing?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
