Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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