Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
