around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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