the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Randomize
