I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
