Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
