so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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