I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
