We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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