Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
