I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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