He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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