Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
