when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
