i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
