I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
