Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
