Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
