i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
