he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
