and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
