oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
