Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
