i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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