i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
