guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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