At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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