oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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